The Cost of People-Pleasing: Why Saying “Yes” Isn’t Always Kindness

From a young age, many of us are taught that being agreeable, accommodating, and easy-going makes us “good” people. We’re praised for saying yes, for being flexible, for putting others first - even at our own expense. Over time, this conditioning can evolve into chronic people-pleasing, a pattern where our sense of worth becomes entangled with how well we meet the needs and expectations of others.

But while people-pleasing might appear generous on the surface, it often comes at a quiet, but significant, cost.

The Hidden Toll

At its core, people-pleasing isn’t just about being kind - it’s often rooted in fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of rejection. Fear of being seen as difficult, selfish, or unlikable. And so, we override our inner truth in exchange for approval, validation, or temporary harmony.

What begins as a desire to keep the peace can gradually erode our sense of self. The more we say “yes” to others, the more likely we are to say “no” to ourselves - to our energy levels, our boundaries, and our intuition. Over time, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and a deep feeling of disconnection from who we are.

When Kindness Becomes Self-Abandonment

True kindness is grounded in authenticity. It involves giving from a place of choice, not obligation. But when our actions stem from a need to be liked or avoid discomfort, they lose their sincerity - and we lose our integrity.

Saying yes when we mean no may soothe others in the short term, but it creates inner conflict. We suppress our voice, we shrink ourselves to maintain relationships or avoid tension, and in doing so, we reinforce the message that our needs are less important than everyone else’s.

People-pleasing isn’t compassion - it’s a coping strategy, one that prioritises external harmony at the expense of internal peace.

Reclaiming Your Voice

Learning to stop people-pleasing isn’t about swinging to the opposite extreme and becoming rigid or unkind, it’s about creating space for honest, conscious choice. It’s about recognising that your needs matter too - not more than anyone else’s, but not less either.

This shift starts with self-awareness, begin by noticing when you say yes out of habit rather than desire.

Remember, discomfort is not always a sign you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it’s a sign you’re doing something new - something right for you.

Guilt vs. Growth

One of the biggest hurdles in breaking the people-pleasing pattern is learning to tolerate guilt. Saying no - especially if you’re not used to it - can trigger feelings of selfishness or shame, but guilt isn’t always a moral compass, sometimes it’s a sign you’re stepping out of a role you were never meant to stay stuck in.

Letting go of the need to please everyone doesn’t make you cold or uncaring - it makes you honest, and in honesty, there’s space for deeper connection, mutual respect, and genuine love.

From Approval to Authenticity

True freedom lies in giving yourself permission to be - not perform. When you reclaim your “no,” your “yes” becomes more meaningful. When you honour your limits, you protect your energy and your joy, and when you stop seeking approval, you make room for relationships that value you as you truly are.

If you’ve been trapped in the people-pleasing cycle, know this: You don’t need to earn your worth through self-sacrifice, you are allowed to disappoint others in order to be true to yourself. This doesn’t make you unkind - it makes you whole.

Practices to Support Your Shift

To begin unravelling the people-pleasing habit, consider practices that support inner clarity and boundary setting:

• Journalling -  to explore your triggers and beliefs around saying no

• Mindfulness or breathwork - to help regulate the nervous system when guilt or anxiety arises

• Hypnotherapy -  to access and rewire subconscious patterns linked to approval-seeking

• Boundary scripting -  to practice clear, compassionate communication

Each step you take toward self-honesty is a step toward peace - not just with others, but within yourself.